ugh

well, I guess its been a while since my last post. I'm been neglecting it just like a lot of things. Since my last post, school has finished and I've moved back home. I haven't been to the gym in over a month, which I'd been blaming finals for. However, I've come to the conclusion that I am seriously depressed. I've been blaming my apathy on the stress of finals and moving back home, but it has since worsened. I've sent the past few days unloading my things and as of tonight am finally all unpack, yet I still feel no better. I also got on the scale today, something I'd also been putting off. My biggest fear with weighing myself was to find out that I had gained back all the weight I've worked so hard to lose over the past 2 years. But with eating like shit and not working out in the past month or two, it was no surprise to see that I was just 5 pounds short of my heaviest weight of all time. UGH. Yet even that was no motivation for change. I still went out and eat like shit all day, finishing off the night with a nice bowl of ice cream and some strawberry angel cake. Usually when I get like this, I at least have motivation to go out for a run, but I couldn't even muster up the energy to take the dog on a short walk. I'm so pathetic. It's terrible. I don't no how to fix this. And I know most of you reading this would say, "Oh, its so easy, just stop eating and go work out a bit," but its no that simple. What's most frustrating is that it took me two years to lose all that weight and only 2 months to put it all back on. I don't want to wait another two years just to fit back into my clothes. Yes, its that bad, that I don't even fit into the clothes I bought over spring break. I don't even have the motivation to schedule a massage for my back, which is in excruciating pain. I've lost all self control, will power, self-esteem, and faith. Lately, I've felt so distant from God, but too I have no desire to go to church. I think I'm in need of some help, but I don't even know how to go about getting it. My parents will deny my apathy and I think will ignore my depression. I've lost all care and emotion. I just want to crawl in a whole and no come out for a really really long time. Oh, and on top of all of that, I won't even let Michael get close to me. I've pushed him away and I don't understand why. My only explanation would be that I'm mad at him for not being there to save me in my nightmare last night or that I'm mad at myself for enjoying making out with someone else in another one of my dreams last night. I don't know or understand what is going on with me, all I know is that I want it to stop. I so badly just want to be normal, and to be happy. I honestly can't remember the last time I was truly happy, a thought that makes me even more depressed. Well, enough self-loathing, I should get off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be different, but I doubt it.

Nighty night,

Jess